when you are unable to find your way, you find "YOURSELF"

I have never taken life seriously rather am too much impulsive while taking decisions in my life. Analysis or critical thinking seems to be a total no-no for me. I was and am just a happy-go-lucky next-door girl accepting life the way it was and is. Rudderless was my sail of life at the onset, be it studies/career/marriage/child and the list goes on. The result of it filled my latter life with failure, lack of confidence and a lot of ifs and buts. Sometimes I just wonder if I am a menace to my family. Virtue, wisdom, rationality are all self-acquired intricacies of life that I never could develop. Even now that I want to write about some serious issues, my wandering mind is not letting me do so…Actually, to write something, one either needs to be extremely creative or live that life.

Leave creativity apart, let me take you to those days when I am not working (not really in the true sense of the term cause home-maker job is also equally competitive though it’s less stressed). I quite like my day’s schedule…getting up early for my daughter and gearing her up for school and finally being able to grab out a slot for myself in the early hours of the day, which seemed to be almost impossible while I was a working mom. These days, I make a relaxed (organic ;)) breakfast, lunch and dinner. In fact these days, I have turned out to be an organic mom, wify and a woman altogether (when the concept is so much in, I thought it should be equally applicable for us human beings ;)). Till afternoon, it’s all about my me-time and really so much of it that sometimes I find myself munching in front of that idiot box or perhaps poke my flat nose into social media where at the wink of an eye, two minutes magically stretch to an hour game). Morning finally turns into mid-day and with the arrival of my pre-teen over-enthused daughter, I become an unstoppable open-censored dictionary quenching her thrust (it’s a die-hard situation; I tell you…the x-gen pre-teen puzzlers are so very taxing). It’s about last night only when I was explaining her about reproduction in flowers and I could understand by her nonstop frowns and smiles that she was trying hard to relate it to human reproduction theory while her organic mom was trying to bring her focus back to the related topic under discussion ;)). Evenings are not so cool though as it’s the most competitive part of the day making her sit finally and getting her school tasks done (sometimes even unwillingly participating in all her days’ activity starting from lunch-hour gossips to her crazy PJs, and finally a very small slot for some serious studies).

Well, that seems the end of my not-so well-planned out a day, wherein I have several panic moments carrying the guilt that I am just killing my hay time at home when I could really contribute. But then, I again think of those times, when I used to be intoxicated with stress and anxiety and move around like a live explosive for 5–days a week (weekends were the only motivation) …when I hardly got any for myself or ourselves…

Why can’t sensitive women like me live a guilt-free life? Why do we have to carry the guilt of achieving something at the cost of some other thing? Why can’t there be flexi-hours for working moms or girls? Unlimited holidays (even if it’s unpaid...though I know many blessed and fortunate ones who toiled days and nights unlike me do have. Well, they can keep mum).

Disclaimer: It’s an impromptu attempt flowing out of an inevitable ‘Achilles heel’ of a ‘once-upon a working mom’ ;). Any resemblance might just be a coincidence ;). Don’t feel free to discuss and debate. ;);)

The true me and what I think for you….

What enjoyment do people have by exploiting and embarrassing others? What if someone can smile full heartedly…what if someone can laugh loudly…what if someone love to interact with others….I have seen in more than one case that some people are so much frustrated in their own life that they cannot see others happy and they try to spoil the liberty of others to remain happy….I personally believe that if I have not hurt anyone’s demeanour than nobody has the right to intervene into my personal space and violate my usual temperament…I am like many a willing donkey…I don’t know to do smart work…that does not even indicate that you would take the benefit and take extra privilege of that issue…C’mon you cannot play gimmick with me and make me do as you want me to…I have at least the privilege to say no and let nobody exploit my personal freedom…In professional life, at the end of the day, what matters is your work…nothing else should really matter…nowadays, this definition has shifted…At the end of day, what matters now is how you make your work done…With due respect, I would like to mention that of course…I am not a toy of your choice that you will key  and enjoy me dancing at your will…I am born in an independent world...if my liberty is not hampering your independence, I give a damn to those who try and hamper mine…do you know how much you hurt me through your words…sticks and stones break my  bones, but what about my soul…do you know how my soul is anguished to see someone misbehaving me, misunderstanding me and someone else taking the privilege of misinterpreting me...I am sincere to my work by nature…Is this not enough to you…Sorry, I am not a sly fox or a dog to wag my tail in front of you for a bone…

I also have this intrinsic habit of misjudging people…once again I have believed someone, who has kicked me out in time of need…Why does this happen to me time and again…Time and again I had been used by people and thrown away…yet once again, I have made this serious mistake of misjudging you…Perhaps, over-sensitive and emotional people have this inborn quality…I was taken aback by your problems…completely sympathised on you and taken you as my good friend but no… see you are also one of the many who turned your back on me and chosen an advantageous and privileged condition…life cannot be run on such terms…you have played with my emotions…I am happy that I got to know your true colour on time and no longer do I claim you to be my friend…I ashamed to have you on my life….As I have chosen you as my friend, I also have the advantage to shun you out of my life never to remember you again…Anyways, thanks to you that you have made me realize that I am good for nothing…now I got a chance to prove you wrong…I will only hold my two hands to the almighty to make me cautious so that I can help myself the next time….Amen!!

Yet another day

Life is as it is running or rather crawling...me spinning aimlessly....I don't know why I get pissed off soon...I cant hold my interest for long...I give up very soon...Specially, when I decide something and am to rethink, it becomes quite difficult for me...nothing is falling into place...though of relocation to my home town but then seems to have delayed by know not wht time...thought of  a shift in job, but I am not receiving good offers...Thought of sitting home, but then will run short of finance...God why I am like this...I am never satisfied with my life conditions ...

Want to loose

I am desperately on my way to loose some xtra kilos...Perhaps that is causing a hell lot of problem in me...Attained pressure, harmonal disbalance, a cyst in the ovary along with life long thyroid..Feel so lack of energy at times...Joined Herbal Life some days back, but its so disgusting and solely pouring out money...Now, I should look at the other options...I have to do it soon...I have very less time in hand...

Every change is a menace...We ought not to change...

The last movie which made an impact and carried me completely is Shoaib Mansoor’s, Bol. I like each and everything about the film...be it the story line, editing, acting, culture,  all resembled so much with us, Indians...The movie connected me so well, just like the novels of Taslima Nasreen..
(The greeneries of Bangladesh, food habbit, their culture, the trauma of refugees during the separation takes me down the memory lane of my mom, who was a victim of the same....Perhaps, this is why whenever, I go to Kolkata, I feel so sad, so happy and really get lost in the charm of the city...I really look around Sealdah station and try to relate the nostalgia of my mom that she used to share with us, but could I really, I wonder...The city of 60's from the eyes of a merely 7/8 years-old child from a remote village of Bangladesh and a victim of separation....well tats a different story, which I would really take you to someday later on in life)....
 As in the movie, I could really relate the inate feelings and trauma of survivors of such male-dominated families, where only the male children obtain education, go out to earn and has every right to take a decision, pertaining to him or anyone else in his family...Though the family seemed to be residing in the remotes and the villainous protagonist carried with him a much-much laid off attitude, being a victim of separation holding orthodox values, but in no means, do I find any difference in today's life...Actually, when I watch the old movies, I could really connect them to today's world...baas the settings are changed...The issue still remains..(e.g. kissa kursi ka is yet another movie...its so much same with today's political world ..the society, the people, we had not changed at all...
The desire to have a male child, who could really join a father towards supporting a family drove the protagonist of ths movie mad...For the sake of it, he had 7 girl children and ultimately a girl-like boy...I mean that person's ego, his thoughts somehow left me thoughful andd which is often seen around in a refined version...Why do people think that along with a male child comes the safety, appreciation, lauds, and lots of hopes in the minds of people...Well, might be true to some extent...but really do u think, a man after marriage supports his parents financially...These days, parents are smarter and do not depend solely on their children...It is so sick that people beleive that the dynasty can be protected with the male child only...Only he would be able to perform the last rituals and post rituals... Well these days, there are numerous instances, when women have taken the pleasure of doing it so...
Leave people apart, I myself have been a victim of the same as I gave birth to a female child...I dont blame anyone...Nobody has control on our minds, our thoughts ...we do react in a way we see people reacting nearby...We in the desire to have a male child who could support us later in life, forget every other things in this world...and divulge all our assets in the making of the same...
Parents whole heartedly sets in to provide all those pertinent elements of life and leave no issue unmet...Later on for the sake of imparting best education, the son travels out of home, for he has to be independent and live a  wonderful life...As obvious, he settles down in a far-far-away land, gradually grows up his own clan and continue his own  life....
OOPs!! In this between, wht happens to the happy-go-lucky parents...They r never endowed with the blessings of living along with their son...Every moment is just spent for the sake of living in the desire, in the hope, that still someday, when life calls, their son would be with them, support them forever...But will that day come...????

I am wht I am ...If u don't love me, someone else will, if u dont respect me someone else will...n i wil still live for i love to live..

Don't know why, suddenly I am missing my long long months of being at home...Though I often regret whatever I do or not do in life, the phases of my life when I took a break from my career is which I always reviere...Though, sometimes it used to be very irritating with a 18/19 hours of non-stop work, yet the afternoons used to be really ravishing...
Be it marriage, child birth, settling my child to a school, the breaks sometimes pump out all my energies, irritated  of which, I would seek for a kick start immediately...Morning hours as it is now that I am once again into job used to be in crisis and I would have never mind to have 10 hands taking care of every nuances by my hubby or Tinni...But just after both of them used to be out of sight, I immediately used to plug in to the net, listen all my favourite songs, which were a completely no-no in front of my hubby..Morning tea with a paper in hand in our tiny balcony used to be a pleasure moment for me...I could infact pass an hour or more but alas, when office is on, I cannot think of such things....Perhaps, this is why reading news on paper has never been my cup of tea...for I always sought to go for details...Innovative cooking spending a lot of time preparing all delicacies is wht I always cherish, though on weekdays, I am always in a hurry of running down time..EVen on week-ends, as the day begans late, I ususally get to spend a little time over in the kitchen...
I always loved sports, beauty therapies, yoga, meditation, cooking good food and watching out movies, but in my schedule, I can enjoy none...I know that I would be able to rejoy all these in a span of a decade...but by then, will I really enjoy all these and would my body and mind be in a shape to enjoy all these activities...Every phase brings a hell lot of conditions along with it...
Somewhere, somehow down the lane, I really want to spend some time alone, completely alone and isolated, but the moment, I am out of the office compound, my mind becomes out of control and it jumps to all the nitty gritty of life, be it tinni, be it my hubby or be it any other activities on this earth...
Yesterday, I have spoken with one of the person connected with SGI and I really want to join that organization, for I know that I cannot kill all my desires...I know that people whom I owe a lot, who are most precious in my life will take hardly any time to completely erase my memory from their mind, once I am no more...Also, I know that to these people surrounding me, I hardly matter, and I hardly exist as an insignificant molecule ...I know that I am dumb, immatured and speak all non-sense whenever I open my mouth, but deep inside my heart, I hold no grudges for any being on this earth..GOd shower your blessings and enlighten me wid some wisdom ...Amen.......

April 6, 2012
Delhi Sizzles!!!
Started the day with a nagging headache...One disprin was not enough to take that off...Worried for my dotty tinni...This year summer has just begun here in delhi n it is just taking our breathe...When we elders r having tough time to battle it, how will those kids manage? Small butterflies running out of school, xposed totally to this schorching rays give me shocks...already she's got dehydration...God when will ths summer days end...

Another trouble in menu is the shifting time...God, shifting ideas gives goose bumps to me..Over it, my short memory n not remembering the xact place where I keep my things gives me unwanted tensions... whtever happens is for da good however is still boosting me and keeping me away frm getting those bumps...

I wish da is not so far when we also have our own home here bereft of the constant pressure and invigilation of landlords who forget the word land and behaves like Lords...